My favorite song lyrics and why. TRIGGER WARNING INFANT LOSS

 

"I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I would never speak, awake and unafraid, asleep or dead?" Famous last words by My chemical romance

This line is so powerful to me. Six years ago, I went through a horrible pregnancy that resulted in the death of my first child just hours after birth. I was deep in my, My chemical Romance phase, even naming my son Tyler- Gerard after the lead singer Gerard Way. The chorus lyrics from Famous last words are actually tattooed on my side reading "I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone." but the bridge of the song listed above just gets me every time. After my son was born and lost, I had his body in my hospital room for 3 days in a cooling tank to slow decomposition, (At the time my mom thought it would bring me comfort, looking back it only brings me nightmares.) Anyway, I laid in the dark next to a child I wished I could take home with no expression in my soul. I hadn't had even a moment alone to grieve in the privacy of my own thoughts.  I looked over to see my sleeping boyfriend, now husband, curled up on a chair because he didn't want to leave me alone. I never thought I would have to burry one of my children but there I was, awake and unafraid, I was asleep, and he was dead. I still play this song in the car and blast the volume up as loud as it'll go and scream these lyrics like I wished I could have softly sung to my sweet boy. This is my favorite lyric because I am safe to process his death now, I don't know how to explain it any other way.