Mom-shaming but it's worse if you didn't give birth.

         If you know me personally, which you most likely don't because I write this blog under the guise of an alias, you will know that at the very young age of 19, I stepped into the role of helping my boyfriend (now husband) raise his daughter. It's been almost seven years since I took on this role and I'd hope the immature comments in grocery stores or playground trips would have stopped by now, but they haven't. 

    My stepdaughter and I are only 16 years apart, same age gap between myself and my two youngest sisters.  In public I am either mom shamed for having a child at 16 (despite not birthing her) or I am ridiculed for not actually being her mother and some strange lady decides she can tell me all that I do for this child shouldn't ever be credited for.  All around it can make for a very weird day. 

    The last time I was mom shamed in the park was actually just last week. We took our girls to the park for a much-needed afternoon in the sun when our youngest, who's just shy of turning 4, spotted the softest puppy that she just needed to pet. We casually stroll over and ask the woman if we could pet her dog, the conversation just regular small talk when she asks me about my daughters' ages. I actually get a little nervous when people start asking about the age of my children because it always has the same outcome. Judgement

The conversation went like this.

"How old are your girls, they're so pretty?"

"Our oldest just turned nine and the little one is three."

"Oh wow, you look really good for your age."

"I hope so I'm only twenty-five." 

Awkward silence

"So, you must've had her, at what? Sixteen?''

"Yep" 

    Now I know what you're probably thinking. Sophie, why didn't you just tell her that she's your stepdaughter? Because person reading this blog, I'm tired of having to overexplain the role I carry in my stepdaughters' life. Most of the time I don't refer to her as my stepdaughter, she's just my daughter.         It's so exhausting having to explain that I've been around long enough to help this child be potty-trained. I sent her off for her first day of Kindergarten, I've gotten her ready for every picture day, I've went out of my way to help with every and any school project. Hell, I even researched different homeschool programs and enrolled her last year all by myself!!

I'd do this all again for her if the world started from scratch. My Babygirl is absolutely worth all the effort that goes into raising her. 

    Another conversation I've had with a complete stranger about the wonderfulness that is my girls went like this. I'm in the middle of picking out colored contacts for a festival I'm attending, and my friend Syd is with me just browsing. Shes asking how my girls are doing, just ya know, making small talk. The lady across the counter makes a comment about how I look too young to have two children. 

"Thats because I kind of am, my oldest is my husband's daughter from a previous relationship."

"Oh, so she's not actually your child, you're just playing house." 

I just stared with my mouth hanging open. 

"Umm, no not playing house. I've been around for over half her life at this point, and I actually do a lot."

"Maybe, but you'll never really be her mom."

    The number of times I have heard that statement in my life is unbelievable. 

I've heard it from friends, family, guys even my own mother has made some rash comment like that to me over the years. 

    I wish I could tell you that I'm this confident person and snide comments never bother me or that haters just fuel my fire, but it wouldn't be true. The truth is those comments hit me right in the tummy every time. I am constantly reminded that it doesn't matter what I do, it's never going to matter because: 

"Shes not my child"

 "I didn't birth her, so I have no right to add my input in how she's raised."

 "It doesn't matter what rules or boundaries happen in your house, she's not yours to make rules for."

 

    I'm sure many of you are wondering if I have a support system in all of this. 

I actually do. I can name a whole list of people who see me in the role I play and constantly cheer me on. It's important for the ones you love to acknowledge the work you've put in, otherwise is there a point to having them as a support? 

It's also important that you believe in yourself. Taking on the role of stepmother, when the whole world through media, teaches children to hate us, is sometimes emotionally taxing. 

     You have to truly believe that there is a divine purpose behind everything. For me, it helps to think of it this way. 

    If you're new to the role of stepmother, the best advice I can give is to just do your best. Introduce your children whichever way you see fit. Seek professional help when the stress gets too much and don't be afraid to fall onto your support system.

Love for now,

Sophie